CHARACTERS
Joshua Schaad— A young “evangelical”.
Trudy Butler— An intensely extraverted chat show host. An quasiamalgamation
of Oprah, Ellen DeGenerous, and Jimmy Fallon.
Ike Foster— A bigoted (self-proclaimed) minister. Should be the
most charming/likeable character in the play.
Charlie Costello— A poorman’s Louis Theroux.
Note: The play alternates between a television studio and a
fictitious religious commune set vaguely in the American South. It
can be assumed that scenes taking place in the ‘STUDIO’ are
present-day, while those at ‘FOSTERBROOK’ are generally sometime in
the past.
SOFTER THAN OIL
STUDIO
Stage— Dimly lit. Two sofa chairs are angled towards one another and a coffee table sits between them. One chair is empty while in the other uncomfortably waits JOSHUA SCHAAD, a young man dressed to
impress. As the audience takes their seats, a STAGEHAND applies the finishing touches to JOSHUA’S makeup. THEN—
STAGEHAND
And we’re live— in 5, 4, 3…
The lights fade to black as the stagehand exits. A few seconds pass. Suddenly— an “ON AIR” sign flickers red, stealing Joshua’s attention. Upstage, a video monitor plays a clip of a Golden Retriever salsa dancing. Joshua seems a bit thrown. Loud Katy Perry-esque pop music then begins to consume the entire studio, signalling the opening sequence of The Trudy Butler Show. As the lights come up, TRUDY BUTLER, a hyper-active TV personality, blasts in from the crowd. She proceeds to enthusiastically dance with her audience members. Once the song is over, Trudy addresses a camera vaguely situated omewhere in the crowd. This scene should fly.
TRUDY
Welcome back, honeys! Welcome back to the Trudy
Butler Show! That there was Sebastian, a spicy
little pup that’s shimmying his way into our
hearts! He’ll be making an appearance later on the
show- (a different tone)
But first, with me now is a young man named Joshua
Schaad— a current member of the religious— well,
what many would call hate-group— known as the
Fosterbrook Church of Christ.
JOSH
New Age Church of Christ.
Trudy goes to sit.
TRUDY
The Fosterbrook New Age Church of Christ? Well,
that’s not very catchy, Joshua. A bit of a
mouthful.
JOSH
Well.
TRUDY
Let me start of by asking you, Joshua, if you don’t
mind— How old are you?
JOSH
I’m 21 years old.
TRUDY
21 years old. And I understand that you’re
different from most the members in your church-
JOSH
In what way?
TRUDY
In that you basically enrolled into this group; you
weren't born into it; you aren’t a part of the 30-
plus family, correct?
JOSH
I mean, I would say I’m part of the family—
TRUDY
I guess I’m just wondering, why a 20-something year
old kid would… would essentially choose to join a
cult?
I imagine you must feel like you’re somewhat
missing out—
JOSH
First off, Trudy, I just wanna clarify that the
church I belong to, the church I serve, is in no
way a cult. We’re not brainwashing anybody, we’re not trynna
talk to aliens or sacrificing babies-
TRUDY
Not sure that’s what defines a cult—
JOSH
No, but what I’m saying is, we aren’t recruiting.
Our job isn’t to make our church grow; our job is
to inform. Our duty, is to um— extol the word of
God…
So to answer your question, no I don’t feel like
I’m missing out. I have a duty: a purpose
TRUDY
But when your duty is to preach hate 24/7, when
does a twenty year old boy find the time to have a
normal life, to have fun?
JOSH
What do you mean by fun? Getting drunk?
Fornicating? Why would I find that fun?
TRUDY
(a knowing nod to the crowd) Well, I can only speak
for myself, Joshua, but—
JOSH
And what you’re doing by bringing up my age, is
you’re undermining what I have to say. My church
does not preach hate—
TRUDY
Your church has repeatedly condemned almost
everyone other than your own members to hell.
JOSH
And that’s not from a place of hate, Trudy. That’s
from a place of love! By informing you that you’re
doomed to hell, they’re trying—
TRUDY
Woah woah, Joshua, we’re not even 5 minutes in, you
can’t damn me to hell just yet. Remember, this is
my show—
JOSH
We’re lovingly dooming—
TRUDY
—this is my show, and while I’ve invited you on as
a guest, I’m not providing you with a platform to
preach whatever ideology your ‘bout to spit out.
Okay?
JOSH
…Your show.
TRUDY
(in control) I want to talk to you a little about
the Charlie Costello documentary.
JOSH
Sure.
TRUDY
(to the audience and camera) For those who haven't
seen it, Charlie Costello, a British filmmaker,
spent— (to Josh) a week?
JOSH
Five days.
TRUDY
—spent 5 days living with you and the other members
of Fosterbrook, documenting his time there. I’d
definitely recommend giving the film a watch,
it’s called, “America the Biblical: Living With the
Church’s Least Familial Family.”
Now, Joshua, what do you think of that title?
JOSH
I think it’s clever. I’m a sucker for wordplay,
Trudy.
TRUDY
I gotta say, what I found most interesting in the
film, was your relationship with Ike Foster, the
church’s pastor.
JOSH
Mhm.
TRUDY
What can you tell us about him and his influence on
you?
JOSH
…what do you wanna know?
FOSTERBOOK
Suddenly, the stage becomes the pews of a small church. We’re in Fosterbrook. IKE FOSTER, a man resembling a rejected-cowboy, delivers the final bits of a passionate sermon. His rhetoric is more reminiscent of a used cars salesman than that of a spiritual mentor.
IKE
Christ knows! Brothers and sisters… Christ knows
who each and every one of His sheep are. “I am the
good shepherd, and know my sheep” He tells us…
Sounds cute, don’t it? BAAAAH. I’m His sheep!
BAAAAH! You hear that? I said I am His sheep!… But
He knows it… He knows who is and who ain’t a part
of His flock. “And because ye are not my sheep, ye
seeth not the wolf coming…” BUT, the wolf is here.
He’s here, brothers and sisters. He’s here in the
form of a famine. (laughs)
—and not a famine of food stuffs, you chubby
bastards! Forgive my language, I’ll put a dollar in
the offering plate later— but a famine of morality.
This country, has become the new Sodom and Gamora!
Fag marriage. Teen pregnancy. Hell, I can’t turn on
the TV without adultery being shoved into my face!
This country went from a city on a hill, to a city
doomed to hell. And if you don’t see that, the
devil’s plucked out thine eyes. There’s a reason
our troops come back in body bags, people. Because,
they’re defending a nation of sodomites and fagenablers!
But the wolf will catch them… Arrows of
God’s judgements are being rained down—one after
another!
(smiling) But my congregation need not worry,
do they? Why? Because we are of Christ’s flock!
Even when dressed in sheep’s clothing, the wolf
does not enter this green pasture!
(with drive) “My sheep hear my voice, and I know
them, and they follow me: And I give unto them
eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither
shall any man snatch them out of my hand.” John
10:28.
God bless, and have a wonderful day. Amen.
As the service ends, Joshua approaches Ike.
JOSH
…excuse me-
IKE
BAAAH!
JOSH
…hi, um, you called somebody about a projector.
IKE
Who are you? Why’re you here?
JOSH
Um…the projector…
IKE
How old are ya?
JOSH
19.
IKE
Right. Well, you’re late. Service is over. Not much
use now, are ya?
JOSH
So you don’t need me to—
IKE
Projector’s over there. Image isn’t comin’ up. It’s
just black.
JOSH
I’ll take a look at it.
Josh goes to fix the projector.
IKE
What’s your name?
JOSH
Joshua.
IKE
You hear any of my sermon?
JOSH
Yeah— I caught the last bit of it.
IKE
Whadya think?
JOSH
Um… It was…expressive.
IKE
The hell does that supposed to mean?
JOSH
You had an opinion, and you- uh, expressed it.
IKE
The word of God an opinion to you, Josh?
JOSH
I guess I’m just not very religious…
IKE
Where you from?
JOSH
All over, really.
IKE
All over? Wow. Tell me, Europe got as many faggots
as you’d think?
JOSH
What? No— I meant all over America—
IKE
It was a joke, bud…
You got a military dad or something?
JOSH
No, I just moved a lot as a kid— well, I was moved
a lot. When I was little my parents—
IKE
Yeah, yeah, I get it. Spare me the grim details of
your despondent childhood, Josh. No point wallowing
in the soppy memories of Mommy and Daddy— or
whoever the hell raised you. If anything, you
should rejoice in whatever pitiful life that’s been
bestowed upon you.
JOSH
…thanks?
IKE
You should rejoice in all of God’s judgements.
Philippians 4:4. From an earthquake in- Guadalupe
to the stubbed toe of fat kid in Vermont. It’s all
in-dwelt within the blueprints of a divine plan…
JOSH
So God broke your projector?
IKE
(quickly) Don’t be a smart-ass, Josh.
Suddenly the projector flicks on and an image displays on the
screen. It’s two male stick figures appearing to be having
intercourse over a rainbow background. Text reads, “Fag’s Eat Poop”
IKE
You got it working!
JOSH
That’s not— that seems a bit much.
IKE
What was wrong with it? What’d you do?
JOSH
You just didn’t have it set to the right input
source—
I just pushed some buttons really.
IKE
So, what? I gotta pay you for pushing some buttons?
JOSH
I mean, yeah. That’d be appreciated. (Still
conscious of the offensive image) I’m just gonna
turn this back off. Don’t want it to overheat or
anything.
IKE
How much I owe ya?
JOSH
Twenty.
IKE
How ‘bout an enlightenment of the scripture, free
of charge, and we call it even?
JOSH
…I’d rather just have the cash.
IKE
(taking money from an offering plate) You can’t
serve both God and money, Josh. Matthew 6:24. Here—
that’s 10 percent of someone’s income.
JOSH
(going to leave) Great. Thanks.
IKE
You joke, Josh, but—maybe God did break my
projector— so you would come and fix it. Divine
plan.
JOSH
Or— wrong input source.
STUDIO
TRUDY
I imagine it must be alluring
Suddenly we’re back on the chat show.
TRUDY(CONTINUED)
—feeling like you’re a part of something bigger.
Especially someone like yourself… having that sense
of belonging—
JOSH
Oh come on!
TRUDY
...
JOSH
Stop doing that!
TRUDY
Doing what?
JOSH
Stop trying to devolve this into a therapy session
or something!
TRUDY
Joshua, I’m just trying to get a better
understanding of you.
JOSH
Well, that’s not why I’m here, is it? I’m sure your
audience would much rather you ask something of
importance!
TRUDY
Something of importance?
JOSH
Yeah! About the church, about our message, our
mission!
TRUDY
Okay, Joshua. Let’s dig in!
This movie—this documentary, has brought your
little church national attention, hence you being
on my show, and I gotta be honest with ya, buddy—
it’s overwhelmingly negative. I mean, hats off
though. We may be a divided nation, but Fosterbrook
has garnered the hate of the whole country— a
bipartisan disapproval, if you will.
JOSH
Your question being?
TRUDY
You ever heard of ‘sunlight being the best
disinfectant?’… Joshua?
FOSTERBROOK
The scene changes. Back in Fosterbrook. Ike is giving Joshua a lesson on spreading the the word of God.
IKE
Josh, what you need to know— is that my obligation
as a disciple of God, informs me in my duty as an
orator of God. Understand? The abundance of
scriptural knowledge my brain contains would be
useless, if I didn’t proclaim his holy word…
Unadulterated.
That’s crucial. Today, people like to deliver this
watered-down, diluted postcard version of the Bible
— something easy to swallow…
(mockingly) “GOD IS LOVE! GOD IS MERCY!”
No, no, no— God is wrath and God is judgement, my
friend… (pause)
(Ike places his hands on a row of both complete and unfinished
picket signs on a table)
IKE(CONTINUED)
That is why, we educate.
JOSH
By picketing?
IKE
By crying out the uninterpreted message of God,
Josh. By shoving it in people’s faces—reminding
them of the sins they’ve dismissed as paltry…
(displaying the picket signs)
Look here, we got— your classic, “You’re Going to
Hell”; “Sin and Shame, Not Pride”;
JOSH
Clever.
IKE
“God Hates the USA”… and even, your more obscure
ones like, “Sodomy Sandwich”
Joshua laughs.
IKE
It’s beautiful. It’s true… Jeremiah 23:29—
And is not my word like fire and like a hammer that
breaks the rock in pieces.
JOSH
(beginning to play the game) Spare the rod, spoil
the child.
IKE
Exactly! Oooh I like the way you think— make a sign
outta that! We could slap on a baby with little
devil horns!
JOSH
Have you thought of like, maybe, making a Twitter
page or something?
IKE
...
JOSH
…it’s just an idea to maybe bring the church into
the 21st century a little bit.
IKE
How ‘bout, I let you be in charge of that little
venture, Josh.
STUDIO
Before Joshua can even return to his seat, the story jumps back to
the talk show.
TRUDY
Joshua, what exactly is your role in the church?
Are you employed by Mr. Foster or—?
JOSH
Yeah, you could say “employed.” It’s complicated
because we— each member of the family plays a part
in keeping the ship afloat. Like, I’m kind of like
a creative mind for Ike.
TRUDY
It would seem you’ve made yourself somewhat
indispensable.
JOSH
Yeah—yeah, you could say that.
FOSTERBROOK
IKE
GIVE ME ONE GOOD REASON I should allow some
Hollywood heretic into my home—
We’re immediately shot back to Fosterbrook.
IKE(CONTINUED)
—To invade my family’s privacy— to fill their heads
with— idolatry! A vessel of sin just crashing
directly into our Zion! The Eden we’ve created
here, exposed and adulterated!
JOSH
Easy! Don’t go too Old Testament on me.
IKE
...
JOSH
And he’s not from Hollywood…
He’s from England.
IKE
LORD ALMIGHTY!
JOSH
Listen! You’re the one who says it’s our job, our
holy duty to inform people of the sins that damn
them to hell. What? You’d rather we picket at the
Wal-mart again? More people noticed the Girl Scouts
selling cookies than batted an eye at us… What
makes us any different than the homeless lunatic on
the street shouting, “REPENT!”, if people don’t
take us seriously?
IKE
We’ve been on Channel 10. Multiple times!
JOSH
That’s local TV. I’m talking about getting our
message to the whole Western World!
IKE
You’re talking about opening the door to a world of
critics and transgressors.
JOSH
What are you afraid of?! I would’ve thought you’d
jump at this opportunity!
FOSTERBROOK/STUDIO
TRUDY
So it was your idea to let Charlie Costello make
the documentary?
TRUDY IS HALF-IN THE SCENE, HALF-OUT. A THIRD-PERSON ONLOOKER THAT ONLY JOSHUA CAN HEAR.
JOSH
(to Trudy with focus on Ike) You see, we’re not
scared of the sunlight, Trudy. We’re not a virus to
be- disinfected. I like to think of us more as a
seed— or a little sapling.
IKE
I’m not afraid of anything! I just don’t want some
serpent slithering into my home, corrupting the
minds of my family, eating my food—
JOSH
He can eat his own food!
IKE
Well, that’s just rude, Josh.
JOSH
Trust me. This is good for us. The public responds
to this kinda thing. They listen.
IKE
He’ll be painting us in a bad light!
JOSH
Well at least it’s a light! It’s more productive
than sitting in the dark muttering fag and whore
24/7…. If you truly believe in what you evangelise,
why not expand your audience?
IKE
If this blows up in my face— if this blasphemous
Brit causes problems for us… that’s on you.
You’re responsible for the damage control.
BEAT.
STUDIO
TRUDY
Well, I must say Joshua, you shouldn’t feel
responsible for all the bad press. I mean, the
product you’re trying to sell here is just
terrible. You can’t polish a turd.
JOSH
The product we’re selling, Trudy, is the knowledge
of your sin.
TRUDY
(reading note cards) Ladies and gentlemen, the
member’s of Fosterbrook have now been excluded from
entering both Canada and the United Kingdom. The
group has been renounced by both Protestant and
Catholic church officials, and Ike Foster himself
is facing a lawsuit that could potentially limit
what you view as your First Amendment right of free
speech.
(to Joshua) So… how much is that sapling, you
mentioned, enjoying the sunlight?
BEAT.
JOSH
…The Church is— what we’re trying to do is—
TRUDY
(continuing over Josh’s dialogue) Joshua, we gotta
move on—
JOSH
—they aren’t evil. We’re not bad people—
TRUDY
We gotta get on to our next segment after the
break, so let me conclude with this— I’m a woman of
faith. Now, I’m not very vocal about that, and it’s
not something I mention much on this show. I mostly
dance to pop songs and play ping pong with Hugh
Grant— But, as a woman of faith, it truly hurts me
inside to see the misconstrued beliefs that’ve been
indoctrinated into you. I say this from a place of
love, Joshua—
JOSH
No, no, no, you’re doing it again—
TRUDY
That’s all the time we got, Joshua—
JOSH
Listen, I came on here to defend my church, my
beliefs, my family—
TRUDY
We got to go to commercial—
JOSH
—and I only wish I had more time, because that’s
what I’m prepared to do and what I would continue
to do.
This next moment should be fast & snappy.
TRUDY
Well, screw it. Stay on then.
JOSH
Wait, what?
TRUDY
We’ll be back with more from Joshua Schaad as he
continues to justify the actions of the Fosterbrook
Church of Christ. Stay tuned, honeys!
A voice yells, “AND CUT!” from somewhere. The ON-AIR sign flicks
off and the house lights flick on.
TRUDY
(to her producer) Bruce, cut the dog! The bit was
tacky anyway—
JOSH
...
TRUDY
Wooo! This is fun ain’t it?!
JOSH
...
TRUDY
You’re bout to crack, I can tell!
JOSH
I don’t—
TRUDY
Ah! Save it for when I get back!
Trudy runs off stage.
TRUDY(CONTINUED)
(exiting) Mama’s gotta get herself a drink!
Joshua is left alone on stage. A stage-hand come up and retouches
Joshua’s makeup.
JOSH
(to the stagehand) …can I go?
STAGEHAND
Nope.
Joshua looks out to the crowd. The Stagehand exits. Lights begin to dim. Silence. Then— An unfamiliar voice comes over the speakers. We hear narration, like that of a BBC documentary.
CHARLIE (VOICE OVER)
And so my time with the church wore on— the lines
beginning to blur between hostility and
hospitality. I could feel myself starting to,
somewhat, assimilate into the family. Once welcomed
into a loving and caring home, it was almost easy
to forget the hateful bigotry I had seen at the
pickets. The family possessed an appealing bond,
possibly forged from the isolating animosity of the
outside world. As I started seeing a more human
side of their personalities, I worried I was
becoming slightly desensitised to the church’s
rhetoric. In order to refresh my memory, I met
again with the church’s leader and patriarch, Ike
Foster.
FOSTERBROOK
Charlie Costello stands in Fosterbrook with Ike. He’s a calm, gentle, exceptionally English man yet has an imposing and confident presence. The room is silent. The tension is palpable. Charlie quietly looks at Ike as if waiting for an answer to a question. Ike uncomfortably avoids Charlie’s stare. Though this scene’s action takes place in Fosterbrook, Joshua’s presence is neither here northere. Finally:
IKE
When are you leaving?
CHARLIE
Well, I’m meant to stay for the remainder of the
week.
IKE
...
CHARLIE
I can sense that you’re not quite thrilled about my
being here.
IKE
Nope.
BEAT.
CHARLIE
Your family has been rather welcoming, Ike.
IKE
The alien who resides with you shall be to you as
the citizen among you’re people; you shall love the
alien as yourself. Leviticus 19:34
CHARLIE
I assume I’m the alien.
IKE
Yep.
CHARLIE
May I ask why you’ve distanced yourself from me—
during my stay?
IKE
‘Cause I don’t like you.
BEAT.
IKE(CONTINUED)
I didn’t even want to invite you.
Charlie just waits quietly— politely.
IKE(CONTINUED)
You’re a false prophet— with words, sweet like
honey. Brainwashing my people with satanic prattle.
CHARLIE
...
IKE
(in a relatively calm manner) I despise everything
you represent.
Exploiting my family for… profit.
And you think me malicious.
CHARLIE
That’s not very hospitable, Ike—
IKE
I give it to you straight! I won’t feign
hospitality.
BEAT.
CHARLIE
May I ask you a couple more questions?
IKE
That’s what you came here to do.
CHARLIE
It would seem as if, you believe that you and the
people of your church are the only one’s worthy of
Heaven—
IKE
Absolutely.
CHARLIE
Well, that’s ridiculous—
IKE
How is that ridiculous?
CHARLIE
There isn’t another group out there you’d deem
deserving of— God’s grace?
IKE
...
CHARLIE
Not even historically?
IKE
Next question.
BEAT.
CHARLIE
…do you ever feel like, by telling everyone they’re
doomed to hell, by preaching this fire & brimstone
idea of the Bible— you may actually be pushing
people away from the church?
IKE
What kind of stupid questions are these?
CHARLIE
I think that’s a fair thing to ask.
IKE
They’re rejecting the word of God, and therefore
going to hell. This interview over yet?
CHARLIE
Could I trouble you with just one more?
IKE
One more.
CHARLIE
What is it, you’re attempting to achieve? What is
your end goal? If you’re not trying to bring people
to the church, what is it you want?
IKE
How long you been here?
CHARLIE
Five days.
IKE
That’s five too many.
CHARLIE
Are you going to answer my question, Ike?
IKE
How is it you’ve been here five days and still
don’t have an answer to that ridiculous question.
CHARLIE
Well, I’ve heard what some other members believe
their goal is, but I’d like to hear your opinion.
IKE
You’re a snake.
CHARLIE
You seem offended.
IKE
I don’t want you in my home— never did!
CHARLIE
Joshua…
Joshua, still sat in the chat show chair, snaps to attention. He’s
addressed as if he were also in the church.
May I ask what you believe Mr. Foster’s ultimate
goal is?
JOSH
(under his breath) To warn people of the sins—
IKE
Why are you speaking to him?
CHARLIE
Well he must have an interesting perspective on all
this—
IKE
Don’t poison his faith. He can’t take it like I
can!
CHARLIE
I’m asking a question— he’s an adult who’s capable—
IKE
I said he can’t take it like I can! He ain’t even
part of the family— he’s an infant when it comes to
his faith— and you’re trynna poison that!
BEAT.
CHARLIE
Am I poisoning your faith? Joshua?
Silence. Ike and Charlie exit. The narration returns.
SOMEWHERE BETWEEN
CHARLIE(V.O)
My stay at Fosterbrook was subsequently cut short.
Ike Foster had decided I’d had enough footage to
create my documentary; however, it was apparent
that I’d struck a nerve. Maybe he feared my outside
presence could challenge the faiths of the church’s
more malleable members, such as young Joshua.
Joshua sits in the studio chair. He can hear the narration, but
it’s not clear where the play is currently taking place.
JOSH
Stop.
CHARLIE(V.O)
Who was this young man? And why did invite me to
make my movie?
JOSH
Stop, why are you— Stop!
CHARLIE(V.O)
What did the church mean for him? Refuge? Family?
JOSH
Don’t do that! You’re doing that thing!
CHARLIE(V.O)
What thing?
JOSH
(surprised to get a reply) That thing with the—
rhetorical questions!
BEAT.
JOSH
And then you just wait quietly for me to say
something stupid and— revealing!
BEAT.
JOSH
My faith wasn’t— Wait no! See?! THAT’S THE THING!
BEAT.
JOSH(CONTINUED)
Just so you know… my faith— my faith wasn’t being
poisoned.
FOSTERBROOK
We’re immediately back in Fosterbrook. Ike has piles on piles of mail.
IKE
Well, look at this Joshy-boy! Special Delivery!
(Ike plops down a box of envelopes)
Hate mail, hate mail, hate mail— about 7 dildos,
and more hate mail…
See, I’m alright with hate mail, buddy. That’s
expected. Comes with job— ask Jesus. I don’t even
really mind the dildos— I could probably glue ‘em
on a sign going into— Hugh Grant’s mouth.
Hilarious.
No— what really get’s me, more than this crap, is
the court summons, Joshua. The lawsuits. Notices
like this one— telling me that I’m not allowed to
enter Canada.
To be fair, that one’s actually probably a
blessing.
But my point is this— I’ve got a job. And your
little attempt at fame has made my job— a lot
harder.
You’ve kinda screwed us, Josh!
JOSH
My faith wasn’t being poisoned.
IKE
What?
JOSH
You said he was poisoning my faith, and that I
wasn’t a part of the family—
IKE
No, what I meant was that you just aren’t like the
rest of us!
JOSH
...
IKE
Not like that! You know what I mean!
JOSH
...
IKE
Why are we talking about this? Don’t distract me…
You’ve fucked us over— shit, you got me cursing!
You’ve screwed us over, kid. Now you gotta fix it!
Look, I told you that—
JOSH
—why me?
IKE
What are you deaf?
JOSH
How could I do anything? My faith is just in it’s
infancy apparently!
IKE
Now now, Josh—
JOSH
It’s just— I work at this. I work trying to fulfil
your mission— try to give the world one giant
picket sign— and it’s like— you don’t appreciate or
understand what— I mean, what does it take for you—
IKE
Calm down, kid—
JOSH(CONTINUED)
—I mean, if I’m not one of you, what does it take?
What? Do I lack conviction? Is my faith not blind
enough? Are my words not prophetic enough? God
hates fags. God hates fags. How’s that?
Ike leaves the scene. The “On-Air” sign gradually grows brighter.
SOMEWHERE BETWEEN
JOSH(CONTINUED)
Of course though, all this backlash is my fault!
God forbid we tone it down a bit. I mean, what
about the turn the other cheek and love thy
neighbour shit?
CHARLIE(V.O)
Had the Church appealed to his own inherent
prejudice?
Spliced audio of the previous narrations play.
JOSH
(to the disembodied voice) Oh, fuck off!
CHARLIE(V.O)
Who was this young man?
JOSH
(mocking an English accent)
“Who was this young man?”
CHARLIE(V.O)
…the church’s more malleable members…
JOSH
Sure, fair enough.
CHARLIE(V.O)
What did the Church mean for him?
JOSH
What does it mean for anybody?
CHARLIE(V.O)
Refuge? Family?
JOSH
Yeah, that! (BEAT) Or how about like a movie or a
chat show? A coordinated group effort towards
escapism, suspension of disbelief— a reason to say
“yeah, I’m a part of something bigger than myself.”
Something we just all agreed to go with in order to
feel some semblance of significance. Yeah? Or is
that a little too on the nose?
CHARLIE(V.O)
Once welcomed into a loving and caring home…
JOSH
Ugh.. you just keep going!
Josh has sat somewhere along the way.
CHARLIE(V.O)
—it was almost easy to forget the hateful bigotry…
JOSH
Yeah?
You and me both…
I dunno…
I guess I’m not very religious…
Silence.
STUDIO
Suddenly we’re back on the Trudy Butler Show. Then-
TRUDY
Wow. Just look at that sunlight work it’s magic…
Imma need a second to process all you just said,
Joshua.(BEAT)
I mean, I don’t know what’s worse— being a fanatic
or being—whatever you are.
You wanna say anything else? A shoutout to the
folks at home? Or are you done?
JOSH
…I’m done…
TRUDY
I’m sure you are….
Wooo… Well, um…
(addressing the camera now)
We usually end the show with a dance party….
Joshua?
JOSH
...
TRUDY
That’s what I thought.
I’m Trudy Butler, you’ve been watching The Trudy
Butler Show!
I’ll see you next time, honeys!
Immediately the intro-music begins to play. On the monitor we see,
once more, the salsa-dancing golden retriever. Trudy dances as the
lights fade down. The music stops. The On-Air sign flickers back to
black. Joshua remains seated.
End.