CHARACTERS
DJ Ex – the face and announcer of the experiment
Rats
Producer
Make-up artist – Old timer Rat (depending on the need, she is make-up artist and a Rat)
Gints
Gints’ mother
Daniel
Laurion
Viewers
SCENE I
While the audience is gathering, in make-up room DJ Ex is dressing up for the show. When he changes his clothes, Make-up artist comes in. There are a lot of pictures of women on the mirror. It is obvious they are not just for looking at. The Make-up artist puts make-up on DJ Ex so that he is unrecognizable. His hair, not naturally grey, are sprayed with silver paint.
Producer: Ex, today you’ll do it without script.
Ex: Tell me something new.
Producer: Dude, trust me, today you’ll have things to say…
Make-upist: I saw rats. The new one is here, too.
Ex: Ah, doesn’t surprise me.
Make-up artist: (obviously flirting) Oh, bunny, I’ve never seen anything like this before. Furs, eyes, nails, teeth so sharp, wiggling of the tails, look out or they will catch you, too. You know, rats don't like bunnies. I’ve heard that when bunnies fall asleep they gnaw inside them and suck and suck and suck…
Ex: Leech, the most wonderful leech…
Make-up artist: A doll...
When it comes to the point for Ex and Make-up artist to make out, music becomes louder and Producer shows up.
Make-up artist: So either I get a four digits amount to my account or tomorrow I press Send right away. Trust me, I have consistently spilled out what this rat house is based on, who, what, where and how much have been washed off, away and down. You know, that codes for what, how much and for who is not that bad. Three answers and everything’s served. Do you think that no one knows anything here? Do you think that silence means obedience? Oh, you’re wrong, dear fella, you’re so wrong. This time silence is a well thought tactic. Up to here (shows up to where) up to here, you and all your rats! Up to here!!! One pressing of a button and we’ll be chatting over a phone with a glass wall between us. I’ve heard they have some nice rats there, free of charge or, in worst case, very cheap ones. And you’ll be able to further blow shit to TV brains.
Producer: What else?
Make-up artist: You are truly a complete asshole.
Producer: But it’s way better to be an asshole than a skunk.
Make-up artist: Skunk’s fart tastes better than your Rat house.
Producer: Show me nuts. Show me.
Make-up artist: Aren’t you ashamed?
Producer: Such a beautiful woman… And there are no signs of you being held, tied up, tortured so that you don’t leave. But here I am wondering why SOMEHOW you are still standing here?
Make-up artist: Last anointings, your majesty. Tonight.
Producer: Cry is coming out of your chest.
Make-up artist: Oh it will if I don't get six months’ payment tonight. And not just for me! (for herself) General of morons.
Dance music comes on.
SCENE II
Producer: (stage curtain is still down) Aaaaaaand yeeeeees! Are you ready for the biggest experiment in the universe? Are your palms getting hot after hearing this sour sweet word ‘Rats’? Are you ready to widely open them? These sinful door? Can you hear it? They are slowly opening! But it lacks rebel, it lacks thunder, it lacks… Rats like noise, rats like fog, glitter… Can we make some noise? Can we make some glitter? And so, darlings, welcome to the RAT world!!!
Stage curtain opens. Music is getting louder. Smokes. There are DJ desk, high tables made of metal, connected into a square with an empty space in the middle. It looks like a metal catwalk on which Rats are walking like “Victoria Secret” angels. Actually, they are women with silicon and furry rat heads. There’s variety of them, from thin to chubby ones. All of them are moving impeccably. Walking and demonstrating themselves, their movements, they stop from time to time and look around the audience and flirt with the main camera – the viewer. Ex enters.
Ex: Mmm... Woman. That impeccable, perfect word. A piece of art without an end. Our crosswords. Sudoku and not entirely connected points. Mmm – Woman – our miracle, our brain, feeling, fury, spawning, hell full of smoke, our thirst, stew and countless amount of evenings without dinner because it is enough to get uncontrollable act of ratly passion for breakfast and lunch at least five times. Woman is our desert and our water, our undrinkable oceans and still not decoded PIN codes. Our wars, our rebels and famine! (Rats are going down the stairs and three men come in) And here are they! The heroes of this adventure, the brave ones who dared to stand up to the nature and say: it can be more perfect! Meet them, searchers of the perfection!
The coming three men have lollipops in their mouths. They go up the stairs and stand in line. From the other side Rats come back with metal trays, wearing close fitting overalls. When they stop, music stops, too. Rats chatter the tick of the clock with their heels. When time is coming to an end, a twice as fast chatter of nails to the trays start. Of course, rats’ nails are impeccably long. It depends on every rat’s experience and inner philosophy.
Ex: (to men) Gentlemen, everyone of you have only five seconds to charm one of our rats!
Every man, one by one, try to seduce at least one of the rats.
Siren. Rats relax at once, two of them run for smoke. Ex says hello to men who came to the Experiment.
SCENE III
New Rat tries to light the cigarette but matches keep going out.
Old timer rat: You never get it on first time?
New rat: Yeah. And I hate lighters. It spreads some kind of artificiality. Like it’s an artificial fire.
Old timer rat: What you’re doing on weekend?
New rat: What else. As usual.
Old timer rat: You have a high level patience. I just keep waiting when you will get bored.
New rat: Watch your business. There’s a lot to do there, too.
Old timer rat: I see you are quick to forget what you’ve been told.
New rat: You think all is that simple? Okay. Let’s try this. Do you know at all what love is?
Old timer rat: Oh, don't even start these tunes of yours…
New rat: It’s not. Now let’s talk seriously. What is love?
Old timer rat: (gives a smoking cigarette) Love? Here.
New rat: Well?
Old timer rat: Well.
New rat: A cigarette?
Old timer rat: And smoke. Watch it. (both silently watch the cigarette)
New rat: (some time later) Are we here to smoke or to meditate?
Old timer rat: This is love. It lasts as long as the smoke. And then… It’s just a stinking butt. A stinking butt on your steady bed of life. You’re going, but the stink follows.
New rat: So be wiser: put some jars along the bed, every meter or so. When it burns, whoop and throw it in the glass cage. So that you remember. But then you go further and don’t stink.
Old timer rat: Well, then I would live in a factory of jars where matured butts are stored.
Silence. They are still smoking.
Old timer rat: Hey, have you read ‘Alchemist’?
New rat: The one about sheeps?
Old timer rat: When we are in love we always pretend to be better than we are.
New rat: What are you trying to say?
Old timer rat: You’re too good for him. He’s not worth it. And the better you are, the more you’ll stink of this. (invites her to come closer and puts a hand mirror in front of her) Come here, doll, come. Look!
New rat: What?
Old timer rat: Coelho, what did he say? Look!
New rat: Well.
Old timer rat: What do you see?
New rat: Your bitten nail and…
Old timer rat: You get it? You’re too strong. Too strong and too good for this troll (Producer). You know it’s his idea? You know that he’s doing all this? You know it's his brain? Have you seen his computer? There are thousands of naked women there. Thousands of wiggling chicks. You're just a one more rat for him who he’s stuck to but then will bounce off and run away. You think you’re the only one like this? Babe, he does it to all. You think (to the mirror) he is interested in your eyes? You think he is interested in deepness and huge strength? He is interested in a new temporary leather sculpture: new boobs, ass, curves, thighs. In a week or two I will be changed by another and you will be the second – the number two material. We’ve all been there. We alert everyone. You, too. You still have time to leave unnoticed. Just heat the badge (all the rats have badges with numbers) and it will open.
New rat: Look, (turns the mirror to the Old timer and puts it down to belly button) look! Do you see this disgusting worm? How it’s called? Jealousy? Right? So look at it, look at it carefully, how it is wiggling inside you…
Old timer rat: (closes the mirror) You’ll see. Only the mirror will show different image. Then even the professor Coelho won’t help you, doll. (background music comes on. Rats go between the audience and give away tokens in three colors so that audience can vote after the filming starts and decide who gets to create the woman of his dreams.) You know what is love? A feeling which rips apart your brain and gets you down to stupidity. (She lights one more cigarette and see the rats flirt while working. They take off the Rat masks and hold it as motorcyclist helmets.) (to herself) Yeah, daddy, Coelho, you’re saying, show the strength of the soul. (to the New rat) Your eyes are different. They are too wise for you to be here… Just because. (A long pause) Have you been at his place? Even the father Paul has said: you can't trust a person if you didn't see his home.
She puts out the cigarette, throws it into a half filled butt jar and rushes toward the participants of Experiment.
SCENE IV
I
Make-up artist is inspecting participants’ nails. In her handbang she has all the products needed to correct inappropriate nail polish (nail polish remover, cotton pads, nail polishes, rasps).
Make-up artist (inspects nails and puts a second layer of nail polish, she bursts): Fuck, who selected them? Has your brain cortex been shaved off? I told you to blow until it dries off and before it does, not to do a thing!
Gints: I blew it…
Make-up artist: What did you blow? I told to blow nails, not… (to Daniel) What have you done here? I have clearly said that they need to be shaved and here they are now, touching and touching their hair and all my work has gone to shit. Johnny, (to the camera operator) don’t zoom on the nails today. Work, work, work, work and no result. Hold it normally. Can you straighten it?
Daniel: I can’t…
Make-up artist: Okay, straighten it.
Daniel: I’m telling you I can’t.
Make-up artist: And what’s here? (make-up artist inspects his nose) Everybody show it to me now! (All the men stand in line, chins up so it is easier for the make-up artist to inspect their noses) Uh-huh. I get it. (to colleagues) Who was selecting them yesterday? As if it is possible to get a decent answer here. You’re free to go (to Gints and Laurion) and you bunny, close your eyes. Close it. Close your eyes, I’m telling you. Harder. Harder. What are you doing here? Close your eyes as if you’re trying to hold in a shit with them.
Daniel: What?
Make-up artist: What what, what you flush in the toilet. (Daniel closes his eyes hard) And… not a sound. Everybody turn around. (to all who are on the stage and the audience) I just asked you nicely to turn around… Would you like someone to be looking at you in such a shameful moment? Or you think it would be better to leave this monster? Imagine this: during the show cameras zoom on your nose and from it like a suslicus, a traitor dark, sharp, thick and strong as an oak nose hair is sticking out. Disgusting, right? So just close your eyes and let’s go!
She picks the hair with tweezers and puts it in a plastic bag. Daniel suffers through it letting out only a light squeak.
II
Gints is talking to his mother on the phone in speaker mode.
Gints: Hello? Hello? Hi, mom.
Mother: Has something happened?
Gints: Guess where I am!
Mother: You’re arrested again?
Gints: No, this time something more interesting.
Mother: Oh, better not tell me.
Gints: You’ll see me on TV.
Mother: Oh my God, what did you do? They are searching for you?
Gints: Not for me, I am searching. Mommy, soon I will introduce to you my future wife. Get ready. Make some cepellinus.
Mother: Which one is it?
Gints: No, no, mommy, like this, it will be the first.
Mother: I know your firsts… Everyone is first to you and then… No, don’t bring her to me. Enough of introductions.
Gints: Mommy, why are you like this? Now I will bring home the wife of my dreams. A perfection. Beautiful, funny, lovely, diligent. One like you have dreamed of. And she will be with dark hair, brown eyes, just like your mother’s grandma’s sister’s Regina.
Mother: What the hell are talking about?
Gints: Ah, I have a lollipop so it maybe makes it hard. They gave us one each to check who is stronger and will hold it longer without chewing it. Shit, it’s tasty, but I’m saving it. Maybe I’ll win!
Mother: I’m serious. Where are you and what are you doing?
Gints: Mommy, I have to go. Create FB account for yourself.
Mama: Yeah, yeah. Please send me a picture of where you are.
Gints: BMW X five full of kisses is coming to me. Bye.
Mother: Uh-huh. I’ll give you a bye. Send me a selfie. I’m warning you – if you’ll be unconscious, you know what’s coming.
End of the conversation. Gints goes to his seat in the studio.
III
Gints: What?
Make-up artist: That.
Gints: What?
Make-up artist: Which color best represents your life philosophy? Which could be your symbol?
Gints: What?
Make-up artist: That what you see and understand who you are.
Gints: Well, yeah, one look at you and it is clear what you symbolize. Only I have no idea which gang of parrots you belong to.
Make-up artist: Careful, you, parrot in track suit, you know not what this gang is able of.
Producer: Lidya, again?
Make-up artist: Me? Fuck, how much can I take? Always me. Are you out of your minds? And you (to Gints) will stay with blue one, I wanted to correct it but you, as I see, are totally cookoo cookoo. (she knocks the metal table on her way out)
Gints: Canary, if you sing a lot, you won't get far…
for the show. It states the main goals of the show: every man shares what they would like their perfect woman to be like, from her looks to what’s inside. There are three men participating. Rats, women with rat masks on their faces, assist at the show. The goal is to create a woman who no one would ever call a rat. Is it possible? Two men are selected to continue the experiment, the creation of the perfect woman. Selection is made by show assistants or the producer. The winner is selected by the audience when they vote with token of the color of chosen man’s nails. The ad ends and everyone goes back to their places.
SCENE V
Music. Microphones are lowered from the ceiling. Rats drive the tables with men on them to their places. Number 1 appears on the screen.
Voice: Beauty, what’s your name? Can you introduce yourself?
Gints: Gints. Sometimes my friends call me Gince. Mommy calls me Gintulis. I believe that She will be the one for who I let me call that, too.
Laurion: Hello, women. I’m Laurion. I’m a DJ. I believe that today a miracle will happen and I will create my companion of the night of my dreams and whose heartbeats will be the most beautiful remix. My backpack is ready, what about yours?
Daniel: Ladies, Daniel has the honor of meeting you. And here (shows phone in his hands) is what is here (points at his head) and here (points at his heart) in one. (he plays Marilyn Manson song on the phone but just for a few seconds)
Number 8 appears on the screen.
Voice: If you could be a dog, what breed would you be?
Gints (takes a balloon out of his pocket): I would be… That, like a mountain, muscles only. Has very little of saliva drooling. And likes balloons. A friend of mine used to have one like this and instead of giving food for the dog, he used to give a balloon to inflate. And Fox, that was the name of the dog, used to play with that balloon until it would blow. And every morning it was like this. We used to laugh till we fell and rolled around when that mountain of muscles sat down at the wheel of his x five and went to buy some balloons at eight in the morning because Fox had a hangover. Can you imagine?
Laurion: Wolf. Unambiguously wolf. Even better if there would be a few more wolves who would accompany each other on the long journey, who would be each other’s silent fellows. Like reflections. Freedom. Rebellion. Us. Yes, if I could, I would be two wolves.
Gints: Deep...
Daniel: I would be a lion.
Gints: Yeah, a lion for sure is a dog.
Ex: And the last one!
Number 0 appears on the screen.
Gints: Like two times two: 1828945
Laurion: 1857844 and, of course, immeasurable inner beauty.
Daniel: 1896845.
Gints (to Laurion): Bullshit. You serious? Okay, height maybe, weight also, but… (looks at his shoes) surly no. Let’s measure? Hey, let’s just measure it!
Daniel: Maybe let’s measure what is immeasurable?
Gints: You’re like, cool?
Laurion: Like, empty?
Gints: Dude, chill. If you play your techno, it doesn't mean you’re a Mohammed.
Laurion: So let’s weigh, everyone hop on the scales!
Producer: (to camera man) Main camera. Take main. No ads. Let them fight.
New Rat: Bunny, can I ask something?
Producer: And Laurion drops out. He doesn't fit in here. He speaks and I want to turn it off. The channel. Leave those two. Someone tell Rats to provoke Gints more. Let’s go!
Gints: Are you totally crazy? Man of the dreams, turned into five wolves. Wake up! Let’s measure, he says. Okay, let’s go measure something else, if you’re so cool. Something what is real and tangible. Something obvious, not some hide and seek: measure my soul… Seriously? Who told you it weighs a little? Huh? Where are these scales? Huh? How should I open my body and take out that soul and give it for measuring? Just bam (demonstrates a process of opening his body, taking away his soul and putting it on the scales) and here it is – five kilos of soul. But that’s not enough. (he goes to a Rat) Babe, give some best you have, with the inner fire, give me two kilos of that and two and a half more of that with ability to wipe out idiots with one look. So… four and a half. I take it, mix with what I already had, batter it up and let’s put it back. I lock it up and wait until I feel the WEIGHT of it. Deeep. Fuck! I ate all the lollipop because of you!
Siren. Music. Rats go on the catwalk. One of the Rats stop next to Gints, another – next to Daniel. The rest of the Rats wait for Laurion by the end of the stage, they have his things and clothes. He comes, his things are given to him and Laurion is led to sit in the audience. Ex encourages to applaud Laurion although he has lost his chance to create the woman of his dreams. Before sitting down, Laurion goes to the Make-up artist to remove pink nail polish. Rats show that pink tokens are no longer needed. There are only two colors left – light blue (Gints) and bright green (Daniel).
SCENE VI
New rat: Bunny, don't be angry but I want to ask you something.
Producer: First, don’t you dare to call me that. Second, not now.
New rat: But it is very important…
Producer: Haven’t I said it clear enough?
New rat: Why don't you invite me to your home?
Producer: Wait. Doll, what do you mean?
New rat: Well, you never…
Producer: You’ve been at my home only it is dark there. There are no posh lamps, nor silver cutlery, nor jackstraw of two headed lion nor third floor-sized bed…
New rat: You’re making me a fool.
Producer: Ah, think whatever you want.
New rat: You can to drop me so easily?
Producer: Who washed your brain?
New rat: No one. You are doing that. How can I trust you?
Producer: Just like that.
New rat: So prove it. Prove that it is not like that. Bring me home tonight. I don't care if they are not furnished yet. I don’t care there are no bears and silver, I just want to see and smell it…
Producer: Okay. But just so you know, you have disappointed me.
New rat: I just want to trust you completely. Try to understand…
Producer: Five, run, four, three, two, one. Go!
SCENE VII
Music. Rats turn the metal tables vertical so they look like metal easels. When men notice it, they take magic markers from Rats and draw their women of their dreams. While they are drawing, Rats stand at the microphones and sing an atmospheric song in their language. After some time it becomes clear that actually they are just talking to each other.
Rat (on new one): Do you see? Can you see? Doesn’t she understand? When she sings, she doesn't hear us! That does not happen!
Rat: That does not happen!
Rat: I well remember that there is a clause in the agreement: I agree that after signing, Rat language will be inculcated and we will speak in that language so that we do not disturb the Producer.
Rats: Girls, I strongly feel something bad coming.
Rat: But how did she get here? How did she go through the check system if she’s not one of us?
Rat: Don't you think it is a stupid question?
Rat: Look, she looks as if she doesn’t understand a thing, that we talk about her. She thinks we are singing with her.
Rat: Bitch, she raised suspicion from the first moment I saw her. And that ass…
Rat: Yeah... That ass is wiggling something bad.
Rat: Okay, the plan is…
After this line Rats don't understand each other anymore. They are humming although they want to chat. They realize something is wrong with the system, that it must have been cracked. In a few moments music turns off. Only the New rat stays with her music line.
Ex: We talk a lot about women. We dream about them a lot. Sometimes we can smell dreams, we can see their colors, to hear their laughter or a silent ‘Good morning, it’s so nice to watch you sleep…’ It is about time to find out what kind of woman are the heroes of our Experiment dreaming of.
Daniel’s drawing is lighted.
Ex: Daniel, please, comment.
Daniel: So. My perfect woman. Intelligent. Sensitive but not hysterical. Elegant. Wears high heels and suits. Dresses. Feminine. Fragrant. Elegantly holding a glass of wine. Flirting. Familial but also pursuing a career. Sexy. A seducer who uses bedroom as a perfect space for experiments. Wears sexy underwear. Role play. Searching. Open thinking. Rational. Economic.
Ex: What features you couldn't stand in your woman?
Daniel: Hysterics. Stink. Lavishness. I should be proud of her. As she would be proud of me. Yes, my woman would be proud of me. She would be happy for my every achievement and would bless my every step. She would be a great companion. She would be sure she wouldn't make you embarrassed. Ah, I forgot to mention English. She must learn English, Russian and German.
Ex: And why your woman doesn't have breasts?
Daniel quickly draws what the drawing lacks.
Ex (to a Rat): Let’s measure!
Rat measures breasts.
Ex: Fella, it is obvious that one breasts is bigger than the other. Almost double in size.
Daniel: I get excited by both small and big breasts. There’s no difference for me, to be honest. If the woman is passionate, if she takes control over me, who cares about size? I need her wild passion, her freedom. Wilderness, openness, screams, bites, well, you get it.
Ex: Note it: she must have teeth.
Daniel: I don't understand, isn’t it obvious?! Ah, and she must not be more clever than I am. But in no way one of those who there is nothing to talk about.
Ex: Noted!
Lights turn to Gints’ easel. Gints proudly looks at his drawing.
Ex: This one is much more clearer. Like in fifth graders textbook: hair, eyes, lips, ears, breasts, vagina, feet, tattoo…
Gints: And that’s not all, here’s more. (He turns another side of the easel)
Ex: Of course, buttocks, how without a pair of buttocks full of youth.
Gints: Hey, just be careful, careful, it’s mine. By the way, there’s no need to measure it. Buttocks are the size that when you grab it, you feel you have grabbed it. Breasts must be bigger than a palm. You snuggle with the woman and feel that she is full of life. Sturdy… Without a paunch. You see, no remnants of wrinkles! Abs, all the rest. Squats every third morning. With weights. Yeah, my woman does sports with weights. The one who walks by in the gym and everyone there rolls out their tongues. My doll is the one who everyone compares their women to and checks her body when she’s swimming in the sea and wish she was theirs. Ah ah ah ah ah. Such a doll is perfect! This wouldn’t do shame for x 5. Nice.
Ex: And the tattoo?
Gints: My wife will have a tattoo of my grandma’s name in Japanese. It will be the proof that she wants to be part of my family. And the proof that it’s fucking serious.
Ex: Watch vigilantly if there’s anything else you need. Last chance to add or erase something.
Gints quite loudly checks every detail of his drawing. He makes breasts larger.
SCENE VIII
Ex: I guess no one could deny that woman’s voice is one of these components which must not be overlooked. Of course, it depends only on us if she will be singing like a bird, purring like a cat or will sound calm and deep like three merged oceans… Ladies and gentlemen, they are coming!
Rats enter the stage. They have Gints’s tracks suit jacket and Daniel’s suit jacket. They search it. First at the microphone is the one who searched Daniel’s jacket.
Voice of a Rat: Suit supply.
Each of the Rats go to the microphone and try their voices. So far, none of the voices fits. Daniel is choosing: ‘next, next, next…’ Eventually he chooses one. Now it’s turn for Gints.
Gints: Well, rats, come here. (to Daniel) But seriously, I love it here!
Rat, who picked a washed piece of paper from Gints’ jacket, reads it.
Rat: When we wake up, I would like us to…
Gints: Dudes, stop! Where’s the deal? We didn't discuss pranks like this!
Ex: Please, calm down.
Gints: You’re trying to calm me down? Dude, maybe show me what you have between your legs and I’ll announce that to everyone, okay?
Ex: You’re ashamed of what you like? You’re ashamed that you read poetry? It’s a giant pro, women adore guys who read poetry.
Gints: It’s a prank, do you get it? A prank!
Ex: Are you leaving?
Gints: Do I look like a molly to you? (to the Rat) Babe, go on. Just don't disappoint me. I like royal voice.
Ex: Let’s see. Will we hear the voice of a royal kitty of the dreams?
Gints: Nice, a royal kitty…
Vivacious dance music. One after the other Rats come onto the podium and show off they voice abilities.
Rat: Aivaras Veiknys
Gints: Not excited. Next.
Rat: Aivaras Veiknys. City.
Gints: Maybe you already had your fun and that’s enough? Next.
Rat: We would silently breathe on one another…
Gints: While it rains! Next.
Rat: ...
Gints: Next! The silence of this one is none the better.
Rat: We would be too lazy to get up…
Gints and Rat: While rain is washing over a burnt city…
Gints: Doesn’t sound right. Next.
Rat: We are left in yearning when the walls are nestling above us.
Gints: And that’s it? Like, if I would have had a copy of a longer one, there would be more voices? Where are your voice resources? What kind of experiment it is if you don’t have anything… There’re hundreds on the street. And after every party there’s full of hoarse ones. I need royal voice… Royal kitty voices. Ah ah ah, it doesn’t work. What are we going to do, Ex, huh?
Ex: There always is a system for…
Gints: Oh, that’s what you had to start with!
Daniel: Wait, shouldn't I have known that when I was choosing?
Ex: You have already chosen so let your colleague choose as well.
On the wall we see a window of the system where you can play with voices. Someone presses ‘play’.
Gints: Hey, that’s my voice!
Daniel: What, wouldn't it be cool to talk to a woman like to yourself?
Gints: Shut up, you slough in suit!
Ex: As I see, we go to the next option.
Gints: You’re serious?
Ex: Here, a Rat. When you control it, you will also control mouse and you will have thirty seconds to tune the woman’s voice you wish for.
Gints: You mean, I touch this beauty and when I’m touching it…
Ex: The mouse on the window is moving.
Gints: Cool! Let’s try this! (to Daniel) Sorry, you grey slough. See ya!
We see how Gints control Rat and change female voices. When the time is running out, the system crashes. Gints fixes it on time and sticks to the synthetic sexy voice he has created with difficulties.
Gints: That’s great! Thank, Rat…
SCENE IX
Music. A short haired wig of fiery colored hair and one with long dark curly hair are lowered from above. Participants had chosen them before coming on the stage.
Two Rats blindfold Daniel and Gints. Other Rats enter with trays with various sized breasts in them. When any Rat comes close to Producer and warn him about the New Rat, instead of talking, they sing in unrecognizable language. When Ex pushes one of the Rats away from the Producer, another comes to him. They are trying to catch Producer’s attention in every possible way. They try to write it on easels but the moment they write something, it disappears. Producer doesn't react to it although he sees it all.
Ex: Fellas, the time has come to touch! One of the most pleasurable procedures. I have no doubt that you will understand what we talk about the moment you will touch it. Compose yourselves because your choice will be ultimate. To draw is one thing. Now it is time to choose for real. Attention, lights on the studio! Guys, let your hands feel free…
Trays are uncovered. Each man touches a breast.
Gints: Boobs?
Daniel: This one is like nothing.
Gints: Show me. It’s… Almost like mine.
Daniel: This… It’s size C and this one for sure is A.
Gints: Oh no, I had A.
Daniel: No, you didn’t because this one here I had no doubt was A.
When men squeeze breast, it squeaks like toys.
Gints: So you have it. I need at least C. Give me C. Okay. I’ll find it myself.
Daniel: Question, can I have two choices?
Ex: If you would want your woman to have different sized breasts, of course.
Gints: That would be fun! Or maybe, is it possible to make that on every day of the week the size of breasts is different?
Daniel: No, it would be better if there was some code with which you can choose what size of breats it is on each day. Over all, why not to make an app which would make it the size you want then, anytime you want? Depending on the mood. Bam, one day C, other - B and D, the next day - two almost visible zeroes and short firey cut…
Gints: Dude, I’m in! But no… It would be too much for my mom. Can you imagine, she would see that wife is different all the time, only voice stays the same.
Daniel: Fuck. I forgot about the voice.
Gints: I pointed out that mine would be a tweety. (Caressing a C sized breast)
Ex: As I see, you have chosen, right?
Daniel: Absolutely.
Gints: Well, I’m between two choices…
Time is ticking.
Gints: Hey, no pressure, please! Ah, okay, theses. This one. You got it.
Ex: Interesting...
Rats bring trays with breasts to easels and everything starts looking like an contemporary art exhibition.
Ex: Is your woman’s life philosophy important for you?
Gints: Hey hey! You didn’t tell anything about philosophy!
Daniel: I have more important question.
Ex: I’m curious.
Daniel: What about vagina?
Gints: Will we choose it?
Music. A shell lowers. It’s like a room where you go to vote in.
Ex: Guys, don’t worry, go in.
Gints: Seriously??
Men go in.
Gints: Wait wait. So now just take it and try it? Hey dude, it’s like…
Ex: Instructions are next to the first vagina. A - unbutton your crotch, B - take it our and try, check which one is the most perfect. Simple.
Gints: Interesting, interesting…
Daniel leaves the cabin.
Daniel: Where to put it?
Ex: Next to breasts.
Daniel: I noticed there is little choice there. It is too important to have such few choices. I felt like in a suburban kiosk. There is all what you don’t want.
Gints: Hey, can we have a break?
Ex: It’s live TV.
Gints: Like…
A phone ringtone comes from Gints’ trousers.
Promotional video clip.
Producer: Gints, turn off your phone. Wasn’t it stated clear enough for you that phones must be off? Darka, what are the statistics?
Diagram of viewers statistics comes on the screen. It is obvious that it is very changing. But producer with rats are able to detect where it goes up and where it goes down. While rersearching the diagram, rats are getting closer to the Producer like cats and sing.
Producer: Fix yourselves and go on the tables, now! One blink to the wrong side and you all go to shit. (All crouches) One by one without mercy! There you’ll have new lives and new rules with street cats. Oh, street cats hate rats, they paunch them bone by bone and collect them. I’ve heard they are making experiments to make a rat fly. And they are in need of spare parts… This is my Rathouse and everyone who enters it, must had a need to enter it. (Rats like one starts to scratch ears with numbers) Am I that douche? Tell me, according to you, am I a douche? You think I don’t see that you are doing whatever you can so that the new doll would leave on her own and would give first place for the last girl, who had to be dropped this evening? You won’t turn my moustache. That she is wiser than all of you together, is proved by you shutting up your singing once she comes in. All your verbal abilities went to her. What have you ever told or left to yourselves. Only now, past doesn’t exist. So chill, babes. And you knew long ago that one of you is going to drop, so sing while you’re singing and fuck off of me!
Rats gets closer and become sweeter to him. Producer leaves. Rats go after him.
Gints: Mom, I can’t talk right now.
Mom: I see that you can’t talk. Pull your pants up and get the hell outta there. Do you understand? Do you understand? You are embarrassing me! What a shame!
Gints: Mom, you took it wrong, this is normal. It all is… It won’t be different. We are participating in an experiment but soon it will become a normal daily thing. Like your prayers, mommy.
Mom: You little shit! You compare prayers to these satanic things? You’re in your underwear for all country to see!
Live TV starts again. Gints puts his phone to the microphone. He sits on the stage.
Gints: (serious) Does your God know how to sit? Just tell me now, did he seed us or rain us? Wait, wait, you’re the saint here, so you at least were dropped like a drop and I was just vomited. Like a dust, stuck in the throat. Yes, your God vomited me so go and make things clear with him why this imbecile, this weakling, this bastard, this vomit, this little shit, this disable with no pension has brain just like his father.
Mom: Oh my God! Pull up your pants at once and get the hell out of there before you shame all the kin! Just like his father. Just like his father - when everyone is normal, that one has lost his mind. Where were your brain when you were born? Where’s your mind now?
Gints: That imbecile isn’t capable of anything, only bottles and bitches on his mind. Wouldn’t make him go to the church if you beated him. Just imagine, he calls in to say “Oh, it is so fun to shit on the road.” Rain is pouring and that idiot is shitting on the road with his naked ass to see for everyone. Can you imagine? And what, I go after him before anyone has seen him… God oh God, what have I done to deserve this? Everyone has children like children and mine… God oh God, if you have made a mistake, please correct it because I can’t take it anymore. Angel, please, I can’t take it anymore, I’m gonna die, can you see it? I open the door and he is swimming in the puddle and shouting to all the village “Cover me, cover me!” I call the ambulance and ask to help, my son is in the puddle and tries to cover himself with it. All the village is echoing and stinking with his alcohol. They told me to sober him up and put down the phone. God oh God, what have I done to deserve this…
Mom: Go, go, grab those boobs, make yourself a blond, she'll give birth for robots and you'll be happy. There won't be anymore of "Mom, help me, mom I fucked up this and that." God oh God, as if you were not mine. As if you were swapped in the hospital. Even when you were little you were like beaten in the head. Just something happens and he's running through the fields, just something and all are mothers but me. So tell me now, tell before all the Eurovision, if you're so open, why I was the main? Huh? Why you pissed all over the cottage cheeses I pressed through the night? (Pause) Fuck… You… You retard, go back home. (She hangs up after hearing herself on the TV)
Silence. Music. Rats come in with trays with Gints’ clothes on them. Balloon.
Gints runs to his metal easel, erases the drawing of the Perfect woman and writes in capital letters: “That vagina’s (an arrow to the case) psychos.”
He says goodbye to Rats. He sits in his seat. Make-up artist runs to him to take off the nail polish but Gints stops her.
Gints: (to the audience) What would you have done if you were me? Seriously, what would you have done? Or you? Let's talk. You watch, you criticize, you laugh at this idiot. You're having fun. Okay. But what would you have done in this situation? (straight to the face of a member of the audience) Do you know I was paid to be here? Do you know that I will have to pay because now I am talking to you even though I have no money? Do you know why they are not stopping me? Because they know it is useful for them. They know that now I am that idiot who everyone is laughing at. Yes, I sold out for fifty euros. Yes, I'm the one who wanted to try. The one who wanted to run away. I wanted that since I was a child. When I was nine, I took my toys and a sweater my grandma made and ran as far as I could. But on my way I realized that I won't go anywhere far. That I have nowhere to go. So I didn't go anywhere. Up until now. I am afraid to decide something on my own, I am afraid to take risks. Until now I don't believe in myself because I am a retard, idiot, fool, hell knows whose bastard. There can be no people like me. After every bastard I would piss over everything. And I pissed these cotage cheeses because I am only worth the smell of horse shit. They always repeated to me, come down to earth. I did. And what am I? Clown for fifty euros. Only my red nose is here (points at his chest), it keeps beeping “everything is wrong, not there, not like that, not like that”. Yeah, maybe I look like a track suit. But I like that, so what? What would change if I would put on his (points at Daniel) wedding jacket which he wears every fucking day? What that would change? Nothing! It still would be me, only more mangy. So what fi I like x5 which I'll never have? I am still going to be who I am. I still will be a clown who wants to be a dog whose the only pleasure is to play with a balloon in the morning. Until it finally blows up.
Do you know this town is damned?
And everyone here is damned, too.
Two pigeons can't get up,
Because there are not two but four of them,
Because when a divine morning is dawning,
Thrumming to rythme to the jamb,
We don't dare to tell ourselves:
I am and loneliness is here.
We only lock the rain in our lips,
Like sad sky is locking us.
And our pockets are full of coins,
It seems that we’ll buy everyone
And we’ll keep saying: there are no loneliness,
There are only men and beautiful women.
Just so you know, this town has been put under a spell
And for a long long time no one can take it back.
Beautiful, ain’t it? Aivaras Veiksnys. That dude writes good stuff… The end.
Music. Statistics diagram lights on. Rats come in.
SCENE X
Producer: Commercials on! Audience statistics!
He watches the diagrams with Rats.
Producer: The situation is clear, like always, Ex. We have ten minutes. Let's go!
Ex: Daniel, how do you feel?
Daniel: Interesting. It seems like there's a boiling volcano in my chest.
Ex: Do you think it is time to see the woman of your dreams you have created?
Daniel: I came here only for that. It would be stupid to say no.
Ex: Be honest, were you expecting to win?
Daniel: Who competes without such hopes? Of course.
Ex: But we have a surprise for you.
Daniel is silent.
Ex: Take surprise to the stage!
All the rats enter the stage. They form two rows with the tables. Glass lowers between these rows. There is nothing on one side and there’s Daniel, sitting on a chair, on the other.
Ex: What are you thinking now?
Daniel: That everything is happening very quickly and unexpectedly. I can't believe I am going to see her soon. (He brushes his hands on his trousers).
Ex shows rats to open the tray. There are headphones on it. Daniel, trembling, put them on. The audience is hearing what he hears. The voice of the woman of his dreams.
Voice: Hello, Daniel.
Silence.
Voice: Hello, Daniel…
Silence.
Voice: Hello, Daniel…
Daniel: Hello.
Voice: Nice to meet you.
Daniel: Me, too. Very nice.
Voice: I have a surprise for you.
Daniel: You already are the biggest surprise of my life.
Voice: The biggest surprise in your life which you…
Daniel: Didn't deserve? Maybe. But you'll see, you won't regret, I'll do everything to deserve you.
Voice: ...which you won't see. The viewers voted that Gints has been removed unfairly and brought him back. The viewers has a right once in six months to bring back one participant and swap with the other. I am very sorry, Daniel, but we won't meet. With love, me. (sound of phone, hanging up).
Daniel: What the fuck? How is he better than me? Who brought him back, huh? Who? (to the audience) Who raised up his color tokens? Raise your hands who voted for Gints' comeback! Please, now, the moment of truth, show me. Tell me to my eyes that I'm not worth her. That she's too good for me. Spit it to my eyes. How is he better? With x five he doesn't have? Intelligence? Life philosophy? Culture? How? Instead of sitting there quietly, better tell me your opinions. Do you even have one? Who votes here? What's the system?
Ex: Daniel, not only the audience in the studio is voting. They vote only if viewers voting ends up equal. Sorry, today by huge difference, Gints is taken back to the Experiment.
Gints: I thought so, my doll is going to be my doll.
Daniel goes off the stage without saying a word or taking his shoes or suit. He throws the lollipop stick to the floor.
Gints: (to Daniel) And I thought bunny is going to undress…
Music. Glass lowers to the level of tables' surface. Rats stand in their places. They are humming atmospheric song of the show.
Producer (quietly): Let her in!
A girl with s standard model figure comes in, with black long curly hair, brown deep eyes, with a tattoo of Gints' grandma, C size breasts and the voice he has created.
Silence. She waves her hand.
Gints: Fuck, you're beautiful.
Microphones are lowered down.
Gints: I said, Fuck, you're beautiful.
She smiles.
Gints: No, better don't smile. It makes me unable to drive x five. If I had it.
She modestly stops smiling. She caresses the tattoo.
Gints: Mmm… How incredibly you do that. So sexy… Doll, when can I touch you? To smell your peachy skin… I must say that and I get goosebumps like tractors. Here… Here, look, do you see how you’re driving me crazy?
She puts her hair into a ponytail.
Gints: No, don’t, better let them free. Fantastic. No gym has ever seen one like this. My diva…
Woman lowers the skirt, pulls up the t-shirt and shows her trained abs.
Gints: Drop dead! You know that you are the diva of all the gyms and beaches of the world? Here, I even talk like an idiot. (modestly laughs) Babe, tell me something, say a word… On the other hand, wait, I want the first word to be the only one. Not yet. (he kneels) Although it is idiocracy and sissy, but… I don't have gold, but doll, will you be mine? I want you to be my wife, the mother of my children, my old tart when we'll be 86. I want to touch only your knees when I'm driving my x five, I only want to hug you when I'm watching TV and fall asleep. I promise I will do everything to make you happy. Because when you're happy, I'll be happy too. You will be my flower which I'll water everyday. I promise I'll do everything so that you smile and raise these dead hair on all my body. Trust me, they haven't reacted to anyone like this before… Something… X five level. Doll, just tell me…
She nods and winks.
Gints: Wonderful... (She comes close to the glass like he wants to touch her and kiss her. They kiss on the glass.) Tell it, say the word and it will rise…
She stays silent.
Gints: Why is she silent? Can she hear me?
Ex: Well, yes…
Gints: So why, doll, are you silent? Don't you like me?
Laurion: (from the audience, still sucking his lollipop) Someone forgot the brain while making his perfect woman. She's empty!
Gints: You come here! Come here and let's clear it the manly way! Again, with full - empty. With your stupid scales. Show me it. Even if it was world size, I would just (pretends to be shitting) and all your pose would be gone. Can someone explain me why is she silent? I didn’t make her deaf!
Ex: Sorry, Gints. You put a lot of details in her but didn't mention her brain.
Gints: What the…
Ex: Yes, she is just like you wanted her. Look, she’s perfect.
Gints: Perfect and… Won't she ever talk?
Ex: There's a void in her, she has nothing to say. She doesn't know how.
Gints: I'll teach her!
Ex: There is no speech in her. Only voice. That's why she is always humming for you. But trust me, you will be the happiest one, many guys dream of a calm and silent woman. She will only hum. And with time you will understand her from the humming. You only have to decide. Do you want to be with your creation or to put it to the trash?
Gints is looking at the Perfect woman for some time. She looks at him. He admires her and thinks. He backs from the glass. He runs up. Darkness. The sound of shattering glass.
SCENE XI
Producer drinks brandy in empty make-up room.
New rat: Let’s go?
Producer: Go alone.
New rat: How?
Producer: What’s the difference, grab a cab, stop it in the street…
New rat: Don’t talk like that.
Producer is silent
New rat: At least tell me the address.
Producer: Seriously? 40 Olive street.
New rat: But this is mine.
Producer: Sorry, I don't have God's address and haven't memorized it.
New rat: Don't bring God into it.
Producer: Get out.
New rat: But you promised… To show me your house…
Producer: You saw it a week ago.
New rat: Why are you like that?
Producer: Like what? It was dark because there is no electricity there. With the newest technologies it turns on only from huge and unrestricted, uncontrollable passion. Doll, you were in my home. And I was in yours. Only something didn’t work. Something… Just, it’s not a place for you. You understand? Leave the sign at the door and go to search for your true home. You deserved it.
New rat: You tricked me.
Producer: I tricked you, punned you, fucked you, dropped like a dirty carpet on the snow. I broke you like a cup which had two romantic pink hearts drawn in it with nail polish. I’m the demon who with one touch ruined your life, stole your best years and used it to raise my ego. I destroyed everyone who got close to me even if only with a look. I’m a worm, not even worth to spit at. I’m a dust which it would be shameful to brush off because it could spread. The virus of the dust… Anything new?
New rat: I listen to you and I can’t believe my ears.
Producer: Welcome to reality, doll.
New rat: Like an animal… You marked me like an animal before it was sent to the slaughterhouse and robbed me of everything what’s possible to take. Honor, dignity, modesty, fear, shame, gentleness, loyalty… Feelings. This love is so disgusting. Bitch, fraud making deals with butchers like you. Sell out who secretly blocks the mind with lies… But it is like this only for the likes of you. Butchers. I never thought that such space… Children sing here at daytime, right? How old are they? Five? And the teenagers? Fifteen? Worm, look at me and tell me what you do to them. Tell me how much feelings have been butchered? I'm a fool. Totall idiot. When I first came here I was trembling with excitement. I was afraid to say something stupid, trying to hide my nervousness, to make my cheeks not to blush, to walk straight. These lights… These mics, piano, notes left on it… It was already clear then but still uncomprehensible! You think we gathered here to talk about literature or to sing? Take it, your brandy is getting cold… Incomprehensible, I was even happy then, how beautiful it is here. Toys, for children to play with while they wait. What is it for, truly? What do you do with them? Silence. Oh God… That's why that five year old girl said you were dirty! Not because you didn’t take shower after the morning act behind the glass wall… Children… They are so wise after all. Today you are dirty. That's what she had in mind! You know who you are? This! (she put a jar full of butts. At the opposite corner of the stage Ex and Make-up artist calmy smoke and listen to it all) Can you see? Do you know what you smell like? Here. (she opens the jar) Smell it! Smell it! This is you and your home!
Producer: You’ve done your preparation wonderfully. Bravo! Diploma for the whore on the stage!
New rat: Yes, your majesty. The main speech for the court has been prepared. And that's only the beginning of it. This (she point to the badge on the mask's ear) to remember.
Producer: I am my own judge! Get out! Get the fuck out! Be gone!
New rat put the jar by producer's feet. On her way out she meets another new girl.
New girl: Good evening. I'm here for the ad…
Producer: Next!
Court: Next! Next! Next! Next!
Darkness. A minute of silence. When the audience starts applauding, the lights turn on. The actors sit on metal tables. They are taking the make-up off and have the rat masks in their laps.
On the screen there are betting and statistics diagrams. It clearly shows that the producer, the author of the idea has made the most money. Then it show how much others have gotten for their roles: Gints, New rat, etc. Sums are large.
Gints: (to the producer) By the way, you owe me 50 euros for my participation. And 50 more for my mom because hell knows when she's gonna forgive me. And double it for moral damage. Such a doll, such…
Everyone bursts into laughter.
Producer: Maybe let’s make one more ending? Just to make it more interesting. So that the money comes in more. Does the audience want something sweet? Do you? More endings are popular now. Many and about nothing, even more so. So here you are!
Lights are going out. On the screen appears the video of Gints and Perfect woman, driving in x 5. Night. They are going in the car and both are humming. The screen blings: it turns out, you have to have talent even for your dreams. And lots and lots of… RESPONSIBILITY.
*Creation is a never ending process. And this play also is not the final draft. It is clear that with the team - the director, actors, and others, the play would change. As much as it has to. As much as everyone wants to. To deepen the characters, their personalities, events, etc.
