Contemporary Playwriting Festival
April 24-28
Written by Rinaldas Tomaševičus
Young couple is stuck in a circle of daily routine. Their life is bleak and dull. Every day they try to cheer themselves up with beer and Mexican soup operas. Though one day something changes – the couple, one after the other, starts to think about life and tries to live it in different way.
Persons represented:
MATT{a 28 year old MAXIMA warehouse person}
TINA{a 26 year old MAXIMA cashier}
The young couple is drowning in their routine. They're both working in a store, their lives are grim and gloomy. They're trying to brighten their daily routine with alcohol and propagandic Mexican telenovelas about love and happiness. However, something happens, and the young couple start thinking and living in a different way after becoming enlightened one after another.
The performance takes place in a scene, which is decorated like a huge vintage TV. Apparently, spectators are also watching live TV series that unfold before their very eyes.
SCENES
SCENE 1
{Action takes place in a duplex flat, located at one of the residential areas in Ukmergė. There's a huge plasma TV mounted on the wall, and a young couple, Tina and Matt, are facing it. They're watching some Mexican telenovelas.}
TINA.Wow!
MATT.Uh-huh…
TINA. Just look at this palace.
MATT. Yeah, unlike our shack.
TINA. These men look so solid.
MATT. And these bitches look so busty.
{Tina slaps Matt in the face.}
TINA. I'm gonna...
MATT. Why are you shouting on me, what's wrong with you?
TINA. Why are you thinking about other girls?
MATT. You're allowed to and I'm not, right?
TINA. Well, aren't they solid?
MATT.Well, aren't they busty?
TINA. Just look at your beer belly.
MATT.Look at your own ass.
TINA. Do you hear me, you beer keg!
MATT.I'm working hard from dawn till dusk.
TINA.So fucking what?
MATT.You can't see the forest for the trees!
TINA.A fucking warehouse person!
MATT.Princess of the cashier!
TINA.Sitting at the cash desk twelve hours a day.
MATT.Ten palettes per shift!
TINA.Yeaaah, and five bottles per head!
MATT.Still better than you...
TINA.What about me?
MATT.TV series from dawn till dusk, fucking propaganda.
TINA. And you?
MATT. You're watching them and so do I!
TINA. So I'm culpable again!
MATT. Yes, it's all your fault!
TINA. What's my fault?
MATT. Life's falling apart!
TINA. It's you, you've destroyed everything!
MATT. Now hold on, you bastard!
{Matt takes off his leather slipper and throws it at Tina. She crouches down, the slipper hits the TV, and the monitor gets decorated with a giant thirty centimeter crack. When she notices it, Tina goes mad. With blood in her eyes, she storms into the kitchen and grabs the pan.}
TINA. Now hold on, you Herod!
MATT. Just try!
TINA. Here you go, asshole! {Bam! Bam! Bam! The sound echoes.}
{She pounds Matt, and all of a sudden a loud boom!... she hits his head. Matt teeters for a moment, but ultimately stays on his feet and seizes Tina.}
MATT. You bitch!
TINA. Aaaaaaargh...!
{He grabs her hair with his other hand and hits her head with his knee. Tina is knocked out for a moment. Matt gets scared and slaps her face mildly.}
MATT. Get up, you hag. {We hear a funeral march.}
Tina squirms slightly.
MATT. Sweetie, it was an accident. {Shakes her.}
TINA. Uh-huuuuh...{Sighs heavily.}
MATT.Get up, it's enough. {Shakes her more intensely.}
TINA.You've damaged the TV, you animal!
MATT.You're alive...
TINA.You fucking beast!
MATT.I'll turn it on.
TINA. I wish you were dead!
MATT.Look, it works!
TINA. Yeah right, it's cracked!
MATT. It works perfectly. Look, 'Solidada' runs now.
TINA. Turn up the volume!
MATT. I'll go buy some beer.
TINA. Go ahead...and bring some cider, too.
SCENE 2
{Matt brings some vodka as well. He picks up a MAXIMA bag with alcohol and returns after a minute, while Tina turns up the volume of the TV. The famous 'Santa Barbara' opening theme is playing in the background.}
MATT.Let's get fucked up, honey!
TINA.Here's to you, and here's to me!
MATT.My piece of sugar.
TINA. My blockhead.
MATT.What would I do without you?
{Matt pours some beer. After clinking glasses, both drink it in a single gulp.}
TINA.You'll love me like Luis loves Soledada.
MATT.Well, perhaps not like Luis.
TINA. Then how?
MATT.By giving you the ride of your life.
TINA.Go fuck yourself, okay?
{Both pour some more vodka and drink it. It is then followed by a beer chaser, and ultimately, some cider.}
MATT.How are you, sweetie?
TINA.For fuck's sake, I'm feeling dizzy.
MATT.Come here, my Maxima.
TINA. I don't want to.
MATT. Are you my wife or not?
TINA. I'm tired.
MATT. And what's your duty?
TINA.You aren't Luis.
MATT.Again? {Hardly speaking, through slobbery lips}
TINA. Haha...
MATT. You bitch!
TINA. Haha...you can't even stand up!
MATT. Go on and taunt me, you bitch.
TINA. Haha... What are you gonna do about it?
MATT. I'll kill you... {Grabs a handful of chips, throws them at Tina, then tumbles down.}
TINA. You piece of shit...
MATT. Hhhr...hhh...hhh... {Wheezes angrily.}
{Still panting, Matt gets up, grabs the bottle of vodka and downs more than half of it. Just as he's getting ready to deliver a blow, he suddenly turns to stone, clutching his heart with the other hand. His head hits the table, his forehead starts bleeding and he eventually collapses.}
TINA. Oh shit, there's so much blood, where's the phone? Hello? Could you send an ambulance please? An accident at 21-5 Vedrių St...
MATT. {Silence. We hear a funeral march.}
TINA.Please, honey...I won't talk like that anymore...
MATT.{Silence.}
TINA.Please, don't die...{Carefully applies towel to the wound.}
MATT.{Silence. We hear a silent funeral march}
TINA.Please, come back... {Sobbing.}
An ambulance arrives and transports the patient to the hospital. Two days later, after a difficult surgery, Matt speaks with Tina in the ward.
SCENE 3
MATT. Hi.
TINA.Hi, how are you?
MATT. Doctors call me a medical miracle.
TINA. What happened?
MATT. An acute heart attack.
TINA.And?
MATT.I spent a dozen minutes without oxygen.
TINA.Your cocktails.
MATT.But you know, I'm happy.
TINA.You're barely alive and you're happy?
MATT.I've never felt this way before.
TINA.Like what?
MATT.Ever since I woke up, I've been thinking about something beautiful all the time.
TINA.So what?
MATT.It makes me feel very good.
TINA. Look at yourself, you piece of bandage.
MATT.In a spiritual way, you don't understand it.
TINA.Okay, and what are you thinking about?
MATT.I imagine I'm blowing up a huge white air balloon, a balloon as big as the world itself.
TINA.Okaaaaaay...
MATT.And suddenly, it explodes.
TINA.And whaaaa...?
MATT.And the whole planet becomes filled with little white fluff.
TINA. I don't understand.
MATT. And then all the people come out and wallow in them.
TINA. Tee-hee! {Chuckles quietly.}
MATT. And the world itself becomes immeasurably blissful at this point.
TINA. Tee-hee...
MATT. And me, just like a sly dog...
TINA. Tee-hee...
MATT. Hiding around the corner.
TINA. Why?
MATT. I observe everything and giggle.
TINA. And what's the meaning of all this?
MATT. Nobody knows that I did this.
TINA. I don't get it.
MATT. Well... It makes me tremendously happy.
TINA. You went crackers.
MATT. I'm serious.
TINA. Anesthesia, it's clear.
MATT. You know, I've got a plan.
TINA. What kind of plan?
MATT. We'll start living in a different way when we return.
TINA. Wow, you're still under the influence.
MATT. We won't drink alcohol anymore.
TINA. Really?
MATT. No more coffee.
TINA. Aah. Camomile tea?
MATT. No more cigarettes.
TINA. For two days?
MATT. No more food with additives.
Mhm... Except ten burgers per day.
MATT. We'll do sport.
TINA. Pint-ball!
MATT. A rigorous regimen.
TINA. Uh-huh, sitting in front of the computer all day!
MATT. Cold showers every day.
TINA. Have you ever taken a bath?
MATT. Daily workout routine.
TINA. Wow, you're still baked like hell.
MATT. We'll go to the theater.
TINA. Uh-huh. Full of beer, we're gonna lie on the bed.
MATT. And I'll write verse for you.
TINA. Yeah right, while you are burping after two bottles of beer!
MATT. We won't need these propaganda TV series anymore.
TINA. I'd rather hang myself!
MATT. You won't need to, we'll be spiritually charged.
TINA. You're a lunatic...
MATT. And we'll have kids.
TINA. Finally!
MATT. I promise.
TINA. Let's do it right now!
MATT. Well, I don't know...
TINA. Let's do it while you haven't changed your mind.
MATT. But...
TINA. Come on, you probably won't be under the influence tomorrow.
MATT. Come here!
TINA. Come on, little boy!
MATT. I want you.
TINA. Your heart won't stop?
MATT. Help me undress.
TINA. It doesn't really matter, as long as you manage to impregnate me.
MATT. I love you.
TINA. No brakes, no stops.
MATT. Take off your clothes, quick.
TINA. No condoms, hooray.
MATT. You're so hot.
TINA. God, I hope I'm on my fertile days.
MATT. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh...
TINA. I hope I get pregnant!
MATT. Ooh, ooh, ooh...
TINA. Oh God, if only you had anesthesia every single day!
MATT. That's it, I came.
TINA. It's a miracle!
MATT. We'll turn everything into a miracle when we return.
TINA. Uh-huh, you're a dickhead, not the miracle maker.
SCENE 4
{Two weeks later, Matt and Tina are back home together.}
TINA. Enough of these flowers!
MATT. The kitchen needs some more.
TINA. It's enough, you bastard!
MATT. We need some orchids as well.
TINA. Shove them up your ass!
MATT. I love you, sweetheart.
TINA. You're an idiot!
MATT. I still love you, harpy.
TINA. Something's wrong with you all the time!
MATT. I'm going towards the light.
TINA. What kind of light?
MATT. Spiritual.
TINA. I want my old life back.
MATT. Calm down, it's all in the past now.
TINA. When will they finally deliver the new TV?
MATT. Uh-huh, we're gonna be watching culture shows.
TINA. No, we're gonna be watching TV series!
{The doorbell rings, and two labourers carry a box with a huge plasma TV inside into the flat.}
MATT. Please carry it in.
TINA. Hoorah!...It's so big.
MATT. Yeah, it covers an entire wall.
TINA. Thank you, guys.
MATT. Thanks and good luck. {Gives a tip.}.
TINA. Unpack it, quickly!
MATT. Wait, an old screw might fall out.
TINA. Let's mount the TV, it'll be fine!
MATT. It won't be fine, it might fall.
TINA. It could hold the old one, and it'll hold the new one, you idiot!
MATT. Don't speak, I might drill it badly. {Takes the drill and drills a hole}
TINA. I can't wait anymore, you slowpoke!
MATT. This should be good.
TINA. Why do you never get angry?
Anger is a type of poverty.
TINA. But that's not normal.
MATT. The only type of poverty that may be condemned. Let's carry the TV closer to the wall.
TINA. But I want you to get angry!
MATT. Fine, let's mount it here.
TINA. Do you hear me? Get angry!
MATT. I rely on the power of humility.
TINA. We've been together now for such a long time.
MATT. Yes, we'll grow old and die together.
TINA. You haven't raised your voice even once when you returned from hospital.
MATT. Let's raise the TV. That's it, we've pegged the screw.
TINA. Now I only need to peg you.
MATT. Why are you so aggressive?
TINA. People get angry in TV series, so the reality should be somewhat similar.
MATT. You're full of propaganda once again.
TINA. Can't you get angry, for fuck's sake?
MATT. Good and love forever, that's my credo.
{Tina slides down the wall and sits down on the floor, right under the TV.}
TINA. Go fuck yourself forever, I told you to shout at me. {Stomps her feet.}
MATT. I love you with all my heart, honey.
TINA. Idiot... I can't take this anymore...
MATT. You're so beautiful when you're angry.
TINA. Burn in hell! {Stomps her feet heavily and punches the wall.}
MATT. Good in me won't let this happen.
TINA. How do you know?
MATT. I feel it.
Oh, so you're a Christ now.
MATT. He was also humble and loving.
TINA. And you're a fool.
MATT. I'll leave.
TINA. Haha. {Stomps her feet.}
MATT. I won't let you humiliate me.
TINA. Show me your wrath, at least once!
MATT. I've tried to do it in jest when I returned from hospital.
TINA. That doesn't work for me! {Screams loudly and punches the wall.}
MATT. Get up and look how beautifully the TV works.
TINA. I don't want to!
MATT. Your favourite Mexican drama is being shown.
TINA. I want a real drama at home, you son of a bitch!
MATT. You need to annihilate your anger.
TINA. How?
MATT. To wake up at last.
TINA. What the fuck are you suggesting me?
{Tina completely flies into the rage, starts beating the wall and stomping her feet. The peg screw breaks away and the TV falls down on her head with all its might.}
MATT. Careful!....{Bam...A hollow sound.}
TINA. Oh...{Collapses and loses her consciousness.}
SCENE 5
MATT. Get up, sweetie! {We hear a silent funeral march.}
{Matt slaps her face mildly, brings some cold water and pours it on Tina.}
TINA. Ooooooooh...!
MATT. Are you alive?
TINA. I can't understand a thing...!
MATT. Should I call an ambulance?
TINA. Ooh...
MATT. Tina, honey, are you okay?
TINA. What happened?
MATT. You were angry with me, and the TV fell down.
TINA. What? Where did it fall?
MATT. Right on your head, because you were angry.
TINA. I was angry? Can't be!
MATT. Yes, yes.
TINA. I'm a paragon of humility.
MATT. You've had a concussion.
TINA. No, I'm fine, I'm really humble.
MATT. It can't be!
TINA. You look so beautiful.
MATT. Really?
TINA. I love you more than anything.
MATT. Don't pull the wool over my eyes.
TINA. I swear by all the saints.
MATT. Fuck you, what kind of saints?
TINA. Jesus, Buddha...
MATT. I'll call a psychiatrist.
TINA. Krishna, Muhammad...
MATT. What's wrong with you, you idiot?
TINA. You're so beautiful when you're angry.
MATT. It can't be true.
TINA. I love you.
MATT. Stop talking through your hat.
TINA. From now on, we'll lead a different life.
MATT. What kind of life?
TINA. We'll throw out the TV.
MATT. Wow, a miracle! For a single day?
TINA. We'll throw it out altogether.
MATT. The world will turn upside down.
TINA. To hell with that propaganda!
MATT. Holy shit, I'm streaming with perspiration!
TINA. And we're gonna sell our flat.
MATT. Are you out of your mind, you halfwit?
TINA. We're gonna get involved in charity work.
MATT. Words fail me!
TINA. We'll buy a homestead.
MATT. And then what?
TINA. We'll live in harmony with nature.
MATT. What's wrong with living in a city?
TINA. The air's polluted.
MATT. It was okay all the time, and now what, you halfwit?
TINA. Everything's gonna be completely different now.
MATT. I can't take it anymore, what's gonna be different?
TINA. From now on, both of us will change.
MATT. Uh-huh...
TINA. We'll plant herbs and flowers everywhere.
MATT. And?
TINA. And we'll meditate.
MATT. To hell with that, if only the TV would fall down on your head every day...
TINA. There's no need, I'll love you every single day.
MATT. I don't believe you at all!
TINA. I'll caress you every day.
MATT. Even if I beat you?
TINA. I'll tend to you and wash you when you become ill.
MATT. Even if I spit on you?
TINA. I'll fondle you, sing to you, massage you.
MATT. Even if I shout at you, howl at you, hate you?
TINA. I'll touch you as softly as I can.
MATT. Even if I'm angry and not speaking with you?
TINA. I'll love you humbly.
MATT. But why, why would you do it?
TINA. Because there is love.
MATT. It's hard to trust you, but love is, I believe in it.
TINA. Really, really, trust me
Just don't slip while you're ascending
I'm giving you love again and again
You shouldn't wait and love with all your heart.
MATT. Oh goddess of love, I believe
Like the morning sun, I hear
You running in the morning dew
My sweetheart's recovering, I believe.
TINA. I love, I want and I believe
The sun is love and I can
Rise up above everybody
And surrender the heart
Really, really, I'm doing this
Thanks to the footing of your love
Because this foundation
Lies between our Earth and Heaven.
MATT. Oh goddess of love, help me
Shatter the common prejudices
That seed of love, our heart
And not the core of the matter
I can fall in love with everyone
Thanks to your secret of love
And dedicate my life
To all the eternal world.
They embrace each other and engage in a kiss that lasts a couple of minutes. We hear beautiful live music playing in the background.
THE END.
